I am Red!

I would often ask R, my friend, where do people like me go when we die? I ‘m not ‘Miss goody two shoes’ to end in heaven for sure, and I’m not as bad to deserve hell. She would always tease me and say, babes people like us go to purgatory. Where we suffer and we are in anguish and we pay for all the karma. Wow, now that was a stark way of telling me where I really am headed.

Early mornings, when I am brushing my teeth, I look into the mirror and I often ask myself, ‘Is this what I wanted for myself in life at twenty-seven?’

There have been so many people who have influenced who I am today. They have made me believe I am this wonderful person when I really deep inside do know that I might have not been that good to them. But then they have taught me to be large hearted and most importantly, forgiving. I have apologized, and I have surrendered myself in my relationships like there is no tomorrow. I have opened my heart and made sure that those in there are warm and fuzzy. I have never wondered why we should have any bones in expressing our love for someone. I have been that way since I can remember. I grew up like a princess, and I have never had to endure anything as much as I have had to in my most important relationship in life. Now, don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t like hell in there. Sometimes you just realize that your battle is within you.

I have learnt that life is unpredictable, and the more we plan, the more games it will play. We need to stop planning, go with the groove and shake our booty while its singing its own song. If we want to really be happy in life, we have to start jamming with the music it offers us. With the music that runs on the radio station every day, every single day. Like for instance, there was this evening when I was cooking dinner and the radio station started playing these songs that N used to sing a lot. And my friend E told me to be unaffected by it. To sing it the way I like it. In the worst possible manner ever. So I chose not to let it affect me. They were playing wonderwall, I decided to sing it in the most obnoxious accent ever. So the line went “Cos after all, you are my wonderwall”. And I chose to sing it “ cojjjjj abbbterralll urrr my blunddderrballl” and realized it was so funny. It actually went from wonderwall to blunderball. and I instantly felt better. So I guess all we need when we have our hearts breaking is some funnies. And I called a friend and sang it to him over the phone and we laughed like crazy. We need to convert all the sad memories into funnies and we will all be just fine. Had I chosen to not sing it that way I would have cried myself to bed that night. It’s the choice we make.

I was talking to this friend this evening and he said, the best thing to happen to human beings is that we are blessed with the power to forget. And it is this power that will sail us through and when something nice comes along, we forget all the bad and the ugly. And I realized he was right. I think it gets wiped off, like rain water by windshields when we are driving.  You feel the memories, soft and cold, like raindrops on your lips in the first shower. And slowly, it too shall dry out. The sun will return and you will have a new beginning.

When I did decide to marry N, he was this person who made my heart melt, the moment I saw him. All I had to do was see his dimpled smile and I would mould my path the way he wanted. It was more like I could hear my heartbeat in my throat. It didn’t matter in the bigger picture then. It didn’t matter to me that I wanted to study law and he thought I was better with social development. It didn’t matter to me that I gave up a wonderful job because he chose to shift cities. It never did. All that mattered really was that I could sleep comfortably in his arms at night. I was reading a friends post the other day and she had written about how the path we choose that helps mould us into people we really are. I am not black or white. I am not even grey. I am shades of pink and red. She had written. I so totally agree with her.

I have had my days in my relationship with him, when I have believed every single thing that went wrong was my fault. And I would struggle, each day, in each way to make things better. It was more like a guessing game you know. You try things out, the trial and error way, maybe this will work this time.But, yes he also made life beautiful. We did have our own moments. He made me laugh a lot and tickled me in bed. I loved that feeling. I miss him a lot on some days. When I can actually just smell him around me, or see him do the mundane task of drawing the curtains.

It took me a while to realize that the issue we were facing, wasn’t really my fault. It took me more than just the fights to understand that being single should never really have been my fear. I am free, liberated and this feeling I have in my head. It is like a new high. Something that happens, when you drink your first glass of wine at seventeen. You get all warm and fuzzy in your throat and you know you have to be very careful. Because it is like being on the edge. I have friends and family telling me all the time, how wonderful it is going to be. How I have so many more opportunities and how my struggle really is over and greener pastures are round the corner. I have girlfriends calling me in the middle of the night to tell me how they think I should add someone they think perfect for me from their friends list on facebook and I have guy friends telling me what men want. A guy friend actually told me that I need to lower my cuteness factor and work on my hotness factor. 😀 I am trying. Yes, it’s a different feeling. Walking into a store, I don’t have to worry about what to get my significant other. It is just about me. My wholesome experience. And I know  how much it matters.

The biggest thing I learnt from this break up was that I have forgiven. And by that I mean, I have forgiven myself. I have been calm, and I have had the strength to endure what I thought would never ever happen to me. I have looked him in the eye and told him it doesn’t work. I have worded the break up with dignity when all he could do was look at me with rock eyes. I have forgiven him. And I expect nothing in return. I still have my moments of  “how could God have chosen me to go through this”, but then I just stay calm and tell myself “he had to go, for someone and something better to come along”. And I see signs that God loves me everyday. I have reached a relationship with my parents that is, anything but transient. They live in me, through me and I feel them everywhere, all the time, in my strength and my endurance, on cheerful mornings and warm nights. I don’t apologize anymore. There are things that have changed immensely in me, and saying sorry is one of them. I often wonder if life would have been different had I not chosen this way. Had I not married N.

– Would I have ever learnt that I have the ability to endure, say sorry, and forgive with expecting nothing in return?

– Would I have valued my friends, my family and more than anything myself any more if I hadn’t gone through this transition?

– Would I have had the faith in my own spiritual being, and my God, who is the greatest leveler on earth?

– Would I have recognized the angels God has sent me in different cities on earth, so I can sleep well at night?

– If I hadn’t broken up with N, maybe I would have been spiteful towards him all my life and myself for making a wrong decision. There is nothing lonelier than lying awake next to someone who is in deep sleep. All you can do is count the rhythm to their breathing and it just gets lonelier.

-If I didn’t choose to live in Bangalore, away from my mom and dad, immediately after I walked out of the relationship, maybe I wouldn’t have been able to forgive myself and him.

-Had I chosen to study law or go ahead and do my P.hd would I be the single young woman who failed at the most important relationship in her life?

-Had I not moved out, I would have never known how capable I am of being fiercely independent and how outspoken I am and how I can handle situations in life. And how each time, each thing, each molecule in the world, is really enriching my life.

I used to always tell my girlfriends, living alone will turn them into independent women, unable to find the right man. Because then after so many years of living alone, you end up looking at every man and every habit he holds a compromise. I was wrong. I really wish today I had lived alone before I got married to N. No, don’t get me wrong. I don’t regret marrying him. My father always says, the decision taken was correct given the circumstances at that point of time. It is just that time has changed the wind and things didn’t follow the way we would have wished them to be. I used to believe living alone, will make you rigid. You need to adjust to your relationships. That’s the beauty of it all. But, it’s changing. No, I’ m not turning into a selfish woman. I hope not. I am just looking forward to my own space. My own little space where I don’t have to answer questions or worry about other people’s dinner timings. Where I can be a convenient loner, if I may use the word. Where, when I choose I can see friends and when I don’t, I can read a book cuddled up in bed and listen to Sinatra.
Every evening in Bangalore, the city I am falling in love with, I go and take a walk. I choose to take the other side of the road. I alternate the roads. I take new roads. I hop and skip through puddles. I love it the rains, and taking a walk in the rain. I choose a new way so I can see new vegetable vendors, new stores, new buildings, new faces, young children cycling, maids giggling as they talk to drivers, home helps walking dogs. These walks make me realize how it is so easy to really walk the other side. It is just that we don’t know until we don’t make it to the other side. We will never know what the other side has in store for us until we don’t cross the road. Yes, it will be difficult to deal with in the beginning, and tough to learn and cope that the situation is new and it will have new repercussions and that it will be something we didn’t expect, but it will be worth it when you will realize how much your heart loves walking the other side.

It will be like soul-cleansing.

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6 thoughts on “I am Red!

  1. Beautifully written. If the “Hey you in my head” is helping you coming out with such gems then u better not shhh her! 😉 Glad to see your inner strength continues to guide you and help you enjoy your life without any regrets

  2. Your words are simplee exquisite….they have this intriguing charm 🙂 I admire you for your courage sweets….it’s very easy to fall on the other side of the road & play the blame game bt very very difficult & rare to understand the importance of its occurance in our life. You are a strong fighter who never gives up saying “oh, i wish that i had never made that choice.” Instead you are a believer who says “I learnt this lesson in life only bcoz i had made that choice.” 🙂
    n btw i luv ur new version better “cojjjjj abbbterralll urrr my blunddderrballl” 😉
    luvv

    1. hey shivy, Thanks so much honey, hope everything is well with u, keep the pictures and the status messages rolling 🙂 will hopefully see you in the USA and then we can travel to grand canyon and las vegas baby!!

  3. I am going to write one long comment instead of many – I love the small little posts on your blog …. they reflect your state of mind in so many ways and its such a great way to express them.
    Thanks for the mention in this post 🙂
    While I was reading this post I was almost in tears .. maybe because I can undertsand your pain and am so far away.
    just hang in there.. your attitude is bang on and I see you emerge out of this beautifully .. which is so damn hard …. and i am so proud of u …
    hugs !!! 🙂
    your blog makes me smile… so keep it up 🙂

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