Every morning I tell myself when I wake up, that if I can endure for this moment, currently whatever is happening to me, and no matter how heavy my heart is or how dark the moment looks like, if I keep believing in myself what I know as true then this darkness will fade into morning. And with that the dark night is going to turn into a bright new morning. The dawn is going to look pretty and welcoming. Of course it took me a while to feel this way and be this strong. But I have come to realize that my parents were so correct when they said that when you are in an uncomfortable situation in life, it is then that you feel like it’s the end. But it’s just a new beginning and greener pastures are about to follow. So I strongly believe love will always come back to me.
While struggling in my relationship, I would always stand in front of the mirror and then wipe all the fog away that I could see. Often I would realise that this fog did not really exist. It was only my vision that was hazy and riding my mind in a direction that was not favourable or that did not suit my heart. I would look at my hair in tangles, often my eyes filled with tears and I would hear my heartbeat in my throat. It would take some time for me to shake back to reality to wipe away my warm tears only to tell myself that if I really want to get rid of my fears, I have no option but to face them. I have to stare them in the face with a poker straight expression.
It used to hurt me to be in the situation I was in and I couldn’t really believe that I was doing this to myself. That my life had taken a turn I never expected it would. I never realised how unpredictable it can be and how it will slap you right in the face when you are in deep slumber. My situation, while I was going through the rough patch in my relationship has taken over my heart and my soul. So often I would feel the anger in my throat, as if I was choking or suffocating. I could hear my heart growl, I would often look in the mirror and not recognise myself. And I would wonder if this sad sight really was me. I would often grip the counter in anger and my knuckles would hurt, or I would clench my teeth so much in my sleep that I would have a painful jaw in the morning. Well I realized it is so much better to be happy and by yourself than be lost in a relationship that was never meant to be. I hope that each person going through what I have been through finds the strength that I am gaining with loving myself because it is so not worth shrinking your entire being for one single person in this world.
Sometimes we question ourselves and our relationships and we wonder if they are worth all the energy we put into them. And I have asked myself this question several times too, and I have also come to realize that sometimes it is no one’s fault, and there is no right or wrong. It just doesn’t work. And when it will work with that one person, probably we will find all of this worth it. I have not lost my trust in relationships even now. I believe that I deserve love and that I will one day find someone who will fill me up with enough love for a lifetime. Even though I am sure I shall find him, I do often have my soft weak moments when I wonder if he will come by. The other day I was having a conversation with my friend A about how I wouldn’t wanna be alone all my life. And he simply told me that my right person is probably right now with someone else. He is probably in the wrong relationship too with the wrong person just because she got there before me. I do hope that I find him one day. Because my heart is full of love poems I would want to recite to him while we hold hands and songs I want to sing. And have my fingers interlocked with his fingers like they were just meant to be.
Like I said, Love will always come back!