Have you ever come across one of those moments when you are in a relationship and your fights sometimes just lead to pauses? Those big, gigantic pauses which will never ever, even if you hope, ever form into words, phrases or syllables by themselves. The pause when you can actually just hear your heartbeat, and for a minute there you start believing its blip beat. Sometimes it’s never more than that pause. It doesn’t go beyond the pause, no matter how honest the moment is or how you would hope and pray that the conversation is dead. Just then, the pause will end. And syllables will take over your poetic honesty. The bitch about having these pauses when you are trying really hard on working at a relationship is that you are unable to end them by saying things like “You, yes you right there, let’s just grow up.” Or “you, you right there were an honest mistake I made in my life.” It is in just one of those moments that you have already pronounced your relationship dead.
I have started believing that I do not want to invest in any relationship that doesn’t give me the satisfaction of being who I am or makes me see that I am being honest to the other person too. I don’t want friends I can never tell the truth to, I don’t want a man in the future, one of those who cannot listen to me rambling about life or a man who thinks he does me a favour by being around. Most often if we forget who we are in the relationship, they tend to feel that way. The other chosen one tends to believe life is not going to move on.
That is why I have decided that when I do find the right relationship, I will whisper in his ears every night about how much I love him and how he will be my favourite man forever, hoping somewhere he will hear me while he purrs in his dreams. Hoping that he will know I am always there and that my heart will be an expanse that will carry both his unique life and identity and spill it with love.
I have been working a lot with computer systems these days for content management at work, and somewhere I have started feeling we should have systems to figure how to give each relationship what it needs. Like the right answers to the right questions, but then, that would somehow miss out the whole point of emotional honesty.
So for now, I won’t try working on systems for emotions, I will wait for the right man so I can just purr in his ears in the middle of the night and hope we will wake up in each others arms with the biggest grin on earth. And as we kiss each other good morning, we will know that it’s the most beautiful pause in the relationship.