Shift Delete!

Possibly my least favorite thing about being single  is how you get accused of being a bad person because it didn’t work out, no matter how the breakup goes down. No matter how much you must have tried. I have mentioned this so many times on my blog about how we don’t want to be singled out (no pun intended) because we didn’t do well in our past relationships. I know for a fact people around the world will always judge you. No matter how much my loved ones tell me that its in my mind. Or maybe they are right. It is something that maybe dwells only in the single, recently off from a relationship person’s heart.

I chose to end it with the boy a few months ago, one sultry Sunday evening by simply saying “Since you have already made your decision, what really are we waiting for.” And I left. It should have been no surprise either, since I had been calmly explaining to him when he was making me uncomfortable every single time that he did. When every single time I did however, try to make things work. And unlike a lot of common impression, I did listen. I listened hard, to every single thing he had to say. To every single issue he believed we had, but then again, when you push too many things under the carpet, they are bound to spill out one day  was the only explanation he ever had about letting this relationship go!

The boy got back in touch with me a few times after that, telling me that he basically thinks I am deep down a good person even though things didn’t work out between us.  About how he can deal with the fact that I hate him. How all he wants me to understand is that he will always be there for me. He is just a phone call away in my state of need and I never have to think twice about asking for any kind of help from him. Now that I could deal with. I have heard my friends always telling me how they want to be there for the ex partners no matter it never worked out. I don’t know if I can ever be a close friend again.  I am not sure I can let him come into my life and take a peek when he wants. It will take a long time for me to be unaffected by the fact that he knows whats happening on this side of the world.I have also realized with time that my healing is a lot faster because I chose to snap ties. With that I chose to erase all memories. It’s not like I don’t see him in my dreams. I still do. But I wake up knowing for sure it was just a dream and this is just a phase. I have had friends who have kept in touch with partners and I have seen how somehow they are still in no mans land of relationships with that person.

Also, he said I made him a better man. They all say this, don’t they? How we turned them into better people. Okay, if I did turn you into this better person, how come I was the only one not worth the goodness.  So, now don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean to say the boy was this horrifying maniac who never cared. No. It was just that we cared about each other differently. And we cared about each other at different times. That I believe was the biggest flaw in our relationship.

Post break up , one usually goes through this long introspective – about what I did wrong, what I could have done differently, I generally at least think of a few things that I would try to do better in the future. Yes. I am hopeful. I am hopeful not just for myself. For him too. I wish him the best partner, the most amazing life and much more. Sometimes you look back to old times and realize that you were denying yourself personal growth because you were too scared of change. You somehow did not want things to change. And I wish him the strength to embrace change. Because no matter how badly he wanted it then, I somewhere get a feeling it isn’t the same anymore.


6 thoughts on “Shift Delete!

  1. Not everyone says “You made me a better man”, but yes, a lot of them do. In my opinion, you don’t want him back even as a friend or a shoulder, etc. because you’re ready to let go…most people who hang on to ex-es have some unfinished business. In my case, it’s just a matter of a love that metamorphosed. But sometimes it doesn’t and it’s sensible to fly away 🙂 I am very proud of you Khush and that’s what I am going to call you from now on!

  2. babes,u r absolutely right…its not d same any more!
    choosing d right path was a very difficult task but believe me you a worthwhile you n wish u fly so high dat u never look below yr heights.i will always pray for your happiness in my every breath n i know my God z grt.

  3. I have felt that acute sense of failure at the end of a relationship, but in hindsight it was a feeling that only I had. Nobody seemed to blame me for the end of the relationship…the blame was all internal. Try to figure out how much of your feeling of being a “bad” person, to blame for the end of the marriage, is coming just from you. I’ll bet that’s 99% of it.

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