I looked at myself this morning in the mirror and found two white strands of hair staring back at me. I was shocked. I stared at myself for a while. Just closely looking at myself, my hair, features. I wanted to know if I have changed a lot in the past few months. Do I look different?
The image in the mirror had softened, the result of all the years that have passed by. The maturity of thoughts has become so defined now. No childish notions, no indecisiveness, or no more anger. No more bitterness about the past. Or am I lying to myself? Of course there are those moments, the bitterness comes back and so do all the negative emotions. I still do often look into the mirror and end up in tears. No I don’t want to. But the past comes right back. How I looked then, how I felt back then. Did I look different from what I do today? Did I feel different now from then? Does the air still smell like that? Do I feel him around me?
I don’t want to be the person who is living in stage where I am negotiating pain or victimization with myself anymore. I am done with that phase. I think so. I hope so. I want to now garner my smoked wisdom and move on and find myself in a new life, yes in a new light. All my intimate and intricate secrets of the past are now out and the world knows of my story. But it is that what makes me who I am. It is that to which I look back upon and feel stronger. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just strong.
I hope one day to mellow to perfection and find my ways in life smoother than they are or they have been. I hope that one day my own voices in my head will be soothing music to the ears and not just something I try running away from. One day I shall examine in my head and heart closely what I have learnt and if I can taste my wisdom from lessons learnt. I was told I will never be abandoned. Yes, in love sometimes it happens. Sometimes you say things you never meant. I guess that was his mistake. To tell me I shall never be abandoned. I took for granted we shall be forever, till the end. It was meant to be as natural as smooth drops of water on soft skin. But it was ephemeral.
For now I am glad I am not locked in a lie forever. The sooner you accept that it is the end of your life with someone, the sooner you shall heal. I wish I could tell everyone having a heartbreak that moving on is the most difficult thing to do. But if you do not, it is just going to get tougher. I have my own moments when I look at the past and feel like I am hurting so bad that someone twisted my intestines in me. But it is momentary. It too shall pass. Like my friend H once told me when I was in the toxic relationship, it cannot get worse than this K, it will only get better!