Are we all not born with this fear? This constant fear that stays with us all the time. As young kids, we have a constant fear of abandonment from parents. We feel like we need to do everything right because one small mistake could cost us being left alone.
Then comes the constant fear of being left out of a friends group, a choice if not made will make us uncool and we will be abandoned. We will not be part of the most popular group in school or college and it is trust me, at that point in life, a priority for most of us to be part of the goddam awesome gang in college.
Then comes the phase where you meet someone and fall in love and its all like a fantasy. With this fantasy also grows the fear of the other person leaving us some day. Trust me when I say this, my biggest fear in life was my reality. I was always worried that he will leave me. I was insecure. Funnily, otherwise I am really confident and I do not fear losing anything. I never feared losing my job, or even friends since I always felt true friends will just hang on to you forever. Now when I think of it, I feel sad that I spent so many evenings of my past worrying about him leaving me.
I have no idea where I found the strength to go through it, but I did. And the truth is that I walked out. He never did actually leave me. I left him. And I am glad I made the choice. Yes, sometimes it is very difficult to explain or live this phase. It is extremely tough to tell yourself everyday that your past does not make you who you are. Your choices will stay with you. I don’t look at marrying him as a bad choice at all. I just look at leaving him as a good choice right now.
This choice of letting go of my fear of losing someone is a choice I believe and wish so many people could make. We keep worrying about people we love and the fact that they will leave us. We do things so they don’t leave us. And on the way somewhere we lose ourselves. And trust me if they have to, they will leave in any case. Love cannot be bound. Sometimes we are more complicated that we think we are. We love someone so much but things just don’t work. I often think about him. I don’t know if I love him. I don’t know if I don’t love him. I don’t know if I will ever stop loving him. What we shared in our hearts will stay somewhere forever. Until we die. I know it will.
I wish more security and love for each person in this world. For I have known people who are so scared of being lonely that they will compromise and cling to anyone. I wish them the strength to realize how good they are and how they can be the best company they have had in a long long time. I spend evenings by myself listening to music, reading and writing. And I must say I like it. 🙂
So the biggest fear if you ever have to have, should be of losing yourself, not anyone else. People who love you for who you are will always stay around. Like they say, people from the past, don’t worry about them. There is a reason why they did not make it to your future!
And the man who said “And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation” – Kahlil Gibran
“But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls” – Kahlil Gibran