I am never ever sure of anything.
But I am sure of what I want from life right now. My space, my time. My need to cope with my emotions and feelings of the past and my need to know what I would really want from the future. I am never really sure of what I want. I have always been that way. I want to for now preserve all the happiness and the good feelings and grow flowers out of the joy in my backyard. I want to for now let go of all the sadness and the tears, of the churning feeling in my stomach when I think of him. Of the past and the heaviness in my heart. I want to heal and breathe and hold on to the goodness and the richness that I once had in life.
I wish to hold time still, in those moments when I am rolling with laughter and all I feel is the fresh air around me and the warmth of those I love. Just keep the happy memories alive. Sparkling laughter, hot cocoa and warm arms to wrap around. Like this relay of movies in my heart and head, I could capture and plan again and again. I want to not have the end of this phase and still want the phase to end.
Friends have often called me neurotic. They say I run movies in my head. My own little world of crazy silly moments mashed together into relays for personal viewing only. 🙂 Yes, it is my neuroticism that makes me who I am. It is this messiness of emotions and this churning wheel of feelings that makes me me. Sometimes it is overwhelming. Sometimes it is awesome. I can play these happy movies in my head when I want and turn off the sad ones when I dont want to see them or feel them anymore. I am making new memories and new movies in my heart with every single moment in my life. It is my neuroticism, that makes my movies so interesting. The colours, the background score, the feel, the warm tones, everything.
As for now I know what I want to do-
travel travel travel
drink hot chocolate
watch the changing colours of fall
listen to country music – drank a lill drank, smoked a lill smoke!!
wear my coloured socks, scarves, stay cuddled in my blanket
read and watch movies
get inspired and create
smile, fly, swim like an angel
walk around the museums