Coming back to India has been a particularly tough decision for me. Not that I was planning on staying back in Washington. It was always the plan. I was sent there for work for three months and knew I would come back. It should never have been that way in the first place. Because when you end up living an entire lifetime in a single place, you have enough to bind you to it. You have memories of laughter, love, care, humility, friendship, special festivities and celebrations. You want to run back to the simple life of those emotions. It should have turned out to be pretty amazing because the solution of being lonely is being in familiar territory. But sometimes it is not as simple. If you ask me or anyone in a situation pretty close to mine, you will hear them tell you in different ways of how they feel like they are boiling in a basement. How they are shouting out loud to be out there while they really are there. I have no idea how to explain what I feel. Because honestly, I was really really comfortable where I was. There ends up a situation where there are two people in you. One person who likes being where they are, in the arms of loved ones, home-cooked meals laced with love and care, warm conversations over coffee and all of it. But there is another person who is roaring in there. The person roars in you. Because that is what the other person in you is supposed to do. To wake you up when you go to sleep, giving up all your dreams. Thinking and accepting your destiny for what it offered you. To tell you, when you wake up in the morning, that life is not meant to be this way. Roar away and find you own destiny.
I’ve been kind of lying in a dormant state for a while now since I got back. I have been doing things. Not like I haven’t. But there used to be a feeling into everything. I haven’t been getting that feeling recently. That hunger to do things, to achieve the way of life I have always wanted. The things I have always dreamed of. Its like that feeling of wanting to achieve which is passionate and addictive just like a drug. Like I was, this twenty year old, all fired up to achieve what she wants. Sometimes you feel lost. Sometimes it is also good to feel lost. Because then suddenly, someone in you speaks.
AND I ROARED. Of course 🙂