I wish it was so easy to just let go of the past and say “it’s alright, calm down and sleep well”. But with time you end up consoling yourself in ways you never imagined. You need not worry. It is all about practice. You tell yourself every single day that the universe has a reason behind all it does and why it leads our lives to a place unknown. A place we never thought we would visit. Minds and hearts we never knew existed or why we find home in stranger’s emotions.
How come it is so easy to relate to strangers than one who was meant to be yours forever? You seek to understand and swiftly these answers just evade you. You tend to create new oceans of emotions but you don’t swim that far for the fear of drowning again. This indifference, does it come from being stabbed in the heart?
This is a difficult thing to explain or put in words. You end up relating to those around you but you still do not want to. It doesn’t mean you don’t care or you don’t want to care about why people are hurting. You just end up understanding that the pain stays forever. It comes and goes, after all isn’t that what the ocean does too? Throw its waves to the shore and as soon as it realizes it might lose its mighty wave to the sand, it quickly roars and engulfs it all in its vastness again. But that doesn’t mean there is never a high tide again. That is how I like to describe relationships. They do that to you. They throw you in the swirling emotions and engulf you faster than you know. You may not want to be there in the past or you may not want to dream about a new future. More chances are that you will. You will still think of what went wrong and you will still think of a new future.
So for now, I have managed to make a deal with life and we are on an agreement about how she needs to wait a while. It is now time for me to achieve my goals. To get to where I wanted, go where I will. I need her to rest while I do everything I have wanted. Let life wait for she is meant to roll into me once she has dealt with the pain of the past. I can never let go of my insanity and madness. It is what puts my life in order.