There is something about being in a state beyond pain. I have no idea if it is being in a state of no pain or it is being a state where you have surpassed the feeling itself. Where nothing upsets you the way it should normally. Where you end up in a mechanical state. Auto pilot mode where often, the chores you do, they just end up helping you either ease the pain or they end up helping you ignore it.
I have had times in my marriage where I have heard the phrase “You have changed” so often, I almost forgot who I was. I did. I forgot what my identity was, what my purpose was. I forgot that it was my madness that puts my life in order. I could never have let go of it. I was told to change. Or maybe I just changed. It was like holding yourself at ransom for changing.
Everything became a hurry. Everything became a plan. Everything with him became about the future. There was tomorrow/later/future/lifetime. There was never now. Ever. There was no ‘lets head out’ NOW. Priorities changed. Love escaped. I am assuming it did. People say my love can never fade. I say, it faded while I was in love. Is that possible? How come those plans of travels and exploring the world changed to rajma chawal and dinners with friends. I heard the phrase so often. “You have changed”. How did I change when you never took the time out for us? How did I change when you traveled alone for music? How did I change when you had better company at work and otherwise? How did I change, when this is what you wanted? To change me, to fit the bill. To be around when you needed me and not when I wasn’t worth the sacrifice.
I avoided social visits. Well, there was never a way to explain the awkwardness. There was never a way to say I am unsettled in marriage or that I have no idea what I am doing here. There was never a way to explain it must be the end. Of us.
There was numbness. Inside and out. Is that what it is when you are not synced. Does that happen? It is the loneliest when you can hear the person breathing in deep slumber. And all you do is wait for sunrise. You wait for moments to pass away. You always do. In love usually people want to stop time. In one-sided love, you want time to pass away.
I have people telling me closure is very important.I don’t know why. After all of it, closure just seems so overrated.