I was reading somewhere about how a woman who whines over her break up for more than a month ends up as public nuisance. Well, in that case, I have way over done my whining, my complaining and my drama. I wish it really was like this. Dates defined. Where there was a set time your heart would hurt and your head would wander. When you were to mourn over a lost relationship for fifty-six days and thirty three hours and then throw a huge party at the end of it and wake up with the biggest hangover ever. Now wouldn’t that be amazing!
Throw that party where you play blaring music you ex never heard, invited friends he/she never liked or got along with, drank whiskey he never sipped and smoked the brand he never smoked. Do everything that you had once defined as ‘things never to do’ when you are in that particular relationship. And once you are drunk, and after a lot of discussion with close friends all the agony is all out of your system, you might end up feeling light in your heart. There are no guarantees however. You might end up with nothing more than just a splitting head ache and would have to spend the rest of the next day drinking coffee or lime juice. 🙂
Or actually, it might end up completely different. I come across several people who tell me how I should let go, how I need to focus on better things in life, think of better men, chill and enjoy my single status and all of it. But it is never that simple. Trust me. When you have to let go of everything including a second name you get so used to using, it is very tough to just chill. There are a million points that will bring back the old times. Often small things someone says, or events will trigger your entry to the past and it will be mighty tough to just leave it all behind and come back. But then a voice in you will always remind you why you took the step you did. And that will make you feel better. You will learn to let go and soon mourning and healing will take place within you. Slowly, like the first fresh layer of skin on a wound, the scabs might hurt a while, But eventually you know it will heal.
My marriage of compromise would have given me a permanent companion for parties, dinners, movies – Well, not really. These things happen in movies. In real marriages that are not doing well, parties, dinners and movies are never really a priority. But when you are single, often you may end up at a cafe alone, reading a book, drinking a coffee and trust me there must be a million people there at the cafe with full tables dying to be in your place.
My marriage of compromise might have given me security in the world’s eyes. But trust me, I would have been more insecure. When your relationship doesn’t work out the correct way, you would be insecure, agitated and lack individuality, which in the first place is what matters the most.
Marriages of compromise, they eat you up from within. You tend to tell yourself it is all worth it and when you do sit and analyze your time and energy spent on a relationship that only YOU are working hard to make successful, you end up having sudden flashes of depression, where in the feeling you get when you are alone, by which I mean happy alone in your own space is not that of loneliness. It is of gratification and reaching a level of sudden calmness.
There are way too many things that will start hitting you when you take this step. Often, they will strike you when you are in a meeting at work, or in a social gathering. There might be times when you will realise that often friends don’t invite you to gatherings. Well thats because they simply don’t know what to do with the extra woman. They suddenly don’t know where to seat you at the dining table. If you have a date to take along, its wonderful. If not, also often to your own girlfriends, you are nothing but a threat. And with time you tend to understand it all.
But then when you look back and think of how you are your own person, you will have those moments when you will feel like your heart is floating in air, where you will not have a heavy soul. It is then you realize, it is not the loneliness, it is reaching a level of perfect unison with this other person. AND that person is no one but just the long forgotten stranger within you.