One year has passed.

One whole year since I decided that I needed to take my life in my own hands and change it. And it has not been easy. In the beginning, time went by so slowly, that I started imagining if I did throw clocks in the air, time might really fly. That was only hope. That time should fly faster because it hurt me so much. And all I heard around me was, time is a great healer.

When something around you changes, it is extremely difficult to come to terms with the fact that things might not ever be the same again. There was a phase in my life when everything seemed like it was in place and every little thing was just the way it was meant to be. So when I talk about change, trust me, I know how it feels to yearn for things to be just the way they were and of course eventually, accept that they are not going to be that way, or simply, they cannot be the way you would like them to be.

So when I left home last year, there was very little positivity, confidence or softness in me. There was a constant feeling of something huge being disrupted, Β a constant feeling of threat to my heart, a feeling of insecurity. And at that point when I did leave him, walk out and change my life forever, I really did not look at it as change. I just looked at it as getting over. And getting over to me at that point felt like it was the end. To a lot of things. The end to the most important relationship in my life, the end to love, romance, kissing in the rain, sharing, giving, receiving. More importantly, the end to trust, faith and belief. I am not really the kind to give up easily, but unfortunately, during that phase, I did eventually give up in my own beliefs. Maybe myself too. So that just meant, I looked at life as nothing after.

But change came in several ways. Through several new people I met, several new things I learnt, a new perception, learning about people and their struggles, conversations, and most importantly my travels. I was talking to a friend the other day about emotional baggage and pain and letting go and he mentioned how he still does live the past. Well, its never easy to let go. It is never completely forgotten. In the last year, I have changed three cities, which in its own way, means three whole lives. I have still not let go. I will take my own time and I guess I need to learn to be okay with that.

I was speaking to S, my friend. He has in the last one year, become a guide, a philosopher, a confidante. I can speak to him about anything and he will throw at me words I understand. He will throw at me concepts and emotions and teachings that turn me into an eager student ready to imbibe each word he says. Often, to learn from his experiences. Or at least I try to.

So the other day, I received a piece of information about the ex and his life. And I would lie if I said, it did not bother me. Any information from that side, bothers me. There is a reason I snapped all ties and that is simply because I dont think I am ready to be his friend or will ever be ready to be his friend. I am the sort of person who is more comfortable with clearer emotions, like more at peace with myself when I know the situation is clearly defined and I react better. For instance, if someone breaks my trust, I am okay with being angry with them. If someone loves me, I love back quiet instantly.It is the vagueness or lack of clarity that upsets me. So with him, I was in no mans land. I am way happier now. To know that it was not meant to be. So I was telling you about how it disturbed me to hear about him. Well, I felt upset and I spoke to S. There was a pause on the other end and then he said what I dreaded he would, “Khush, Sweetheart, what he does is none of your business now. What he wants to do with his life is his problem and you gave up that right for a reason. And when you did give up that right, it was because you wanted this freedom. Enjoy your freedom now. This is your time.”

Those words, they did pierce me. For what S said was correct. It was none of my business. At all. And I knew that speaking to S was the right decision. And I sat by myself for a while and these words by Em Claire started playing in my head,

Know Your Self as only

Light,

Summoning the mystery to move

through you…

Know yourself as

Life’s Greatest Laughter

Life’s Greatest Lover

beckoning the mystery,

Come hither…

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17 thoughts on “One year has passed.

  1. heyy…donot live n d past,be happy dat u r out of dat cheats life.y b a part of someone who doesnot respect you or understand you?y b a part of someone s life who has no idea wat life z all about??u want to remember someone who has no definations of simple things n life ???beleive me dis was a huge mistake on my part as a parent to not do enuf homework on him n his family before giving him d responsibility of looking after you,before beleiving his parents dat dey would look after you as der daughter..dis was my mistake n m happy learnt my mistake soon ..God z great baby…n you watch how soon things will all be well n u will never b a part of dat life even n yr thoughts.i request u to let energy flow to much positive living n forget dat part of yr life…it was only negative all d way…babes he was never ours…so just let him go where he belongs…n u know which kind of world he belongs to!!i will never forgive him ….he z out of my heart long back but never let him out of my mind cos i donot want to forgive him for whatever he did!!
    now time to ignore him n his life…we r not losers n we donot need information of dese kind of people…we want positivity to flow around us n live life to d fullest!!

    1. Mom, yes you are right! I am trying my best to not live in the past πŸ™‚ You should just let it go. He doesnt even deserve you and pa thinking about him at all. It is his greatest loss and of course the biggest insult to him is none other than ignoring him πŸ™‚
      Love you!

  2. hi khubhaaa
    The dark dark clouds will pass
    And the Sun shall shine again
    After the darkest time at nght
    DAWN comes again!!!

    only these lines come to my mind cos i can see the SUN rays already dear so cheer———

  3. sometimes it’s one day at a time and at others its either the past all bundled into one, or the future just lying ahead of you waiting to be conquered. That’s why most days I love tomorrow, because today will then be my past…

    1. You are absolutely right πŸ™‚ It is nothing but the future that should matter! I am trying hard, but I am sure some day I will look around and let the world know, I have healed!!

  4. Wonderfully expressed. But may I say you deserve much more credit than you allow yourself. Thanks to your writings, I have gotten a glimpse into your thoughts in the last one year and yes there have been low days but just re-read your posts and you will see what I see — That no matter what, you always hit the positive note at the end and one cant help admire you for it πŸ™‚ Keep it up and all the best! Im sure this year will bring you great happiness

  5. Make a novel out of your articles here and I am sure its gonna be a bestseller like SATC’s Carry Bradshaw!!!
    and you know what you have to do in acknowledgements!!! πŸ˜›

    awesome writings Khushboo Di πŸ™‚

  6. Hey girl,

    I have to admit: Ur posts make me smile and they make me teary-eyed, even wen m sittin in office. I dont care what ppl think wen m reading ur blog πŸ™‚ And this one sure leaves a very positive message simply by showing how much u hav changed over the last one year! God bless ur friend S πŸ™‚

    1. Hey Chitra,
      Thank you so much. I appreciate that you read my blog and of course relate to it πŸ™‚ We should definitely catch up more often than we do and maybe for a change for dinner or coffee and not virtually!! Yes, I am lucky to have S! Hugs!

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