One whole year since I decided that I needed to take my life in my own hands and change it. And it has not been easy. In the beginning, time went by so slowly, that I started imagining if I did throw clocks in the air, time might really fly. That was only hope. That time should fly faster because it hurt me so much. And all I heard around me was, time is a great healer.
When something around you changes, it is extremely difficult to come to terms with the fact that things might not ever be the same again. There was a phase in my life when everything seemed like it was in place and every little thing was just the way it was meant to be. So when I talk about change, trust me, I know how it feels to yearn for things to be just the way they were and of course eventually, accept that they are not going to be that way, or simply, they cannot be the way you would like them to be.
So when I left home last year, there was very little positivity, confidence or softness in me. There was a constant feeling of something huge being disrupted, a constant feeling of threat to my heart, a feeling of insecurity. And at that point when I did leave him, walk out and change my life forever, I really did not look at it as change. I just looked at it as getting over. And getting over to me at that point felt like it was the end. To a lot of things. The end to the most important relationship in my life, the end to love, romance, kissing in the rain, sharing, giving, receiving. More importantly, the end to trust, faith and belief. I am not really the kind to give up easily, but unfortunately, during that phase, I did eventually give up in my own beliefs. Maybe myself too. So that just meant, I looked at life as nothing after.
But change came in several ways. Through several new people I met, several new things I learnt, a new perception, learning about people and their struggles, conversations, and most importantly my travels. I was talking to a friend the other day about emotional baggage and pain and letting go and he mentioned how he still does live the past. Well, its never easy to let go. It is never completely forgotten. In the last year, I have changed three cities, which in its own way, means three whole lives. I have still not let go. I will take my own time and I guess I need to learn to be okay with that.
I was speaking to S, my friend. He has in the last one year, become a guide, a philosopher, a confidante. I can speak to him about anything and he will throw at me words I understand. He will throw at me concepts and emotions and teachings that turn me into an eager student ready to imbibe each word he says. Often, to learn from his experiences. Or at least I try to.
So the other day, I received a piece of information about the ex and his life. And I would lie if I said, it did not bother me. Any information from that side, bothers me. There is a reason I snapped all ties and that is simply because I dont think I am ready to be his friend or will ever be ready to be his friend. I am the sort of person who is more comfortable with clearer emotions, like more at peace with myself when I know the situation is clearly defined and I react better. For instance, if someone breaks my trust, I am okay with being angry with them. If someone loves me, I love back quiet instantly.It is the vagueness or lack of clarity that upsets me. So with him, I was in no mans land. I am way happier now. To know that it was not meant to be. So I was telling you about how it disturbed me to hear about him. Well, I felt upset and I spoke to S. There was a pause on the other end and then he said what I dreaded he would, “Khush, Sweetheart, what he does is none of your business now. What he wants to do with his life is his problem and you gave up that right for a reason. And when you did give up that right, it was because you wanted this freedom. Enjoy your freedom now. This is your time.”
Those words, they did pierce me. For what S said was correct. It was none of my business. At all. And I knew that speaking to S was the right decision. And I sat by myself for a while and these words by Em Claire started playing in my head,
Know Your Self as only
Summoning the mystery to move
Know yourself as
Life’s Greatest Laughter
Life’s Greatest Lover
beckoning the mystery,