Category Archives: the bogeyman called singledom!

Love lived here once…

Love lived here once,

and now there are charred remains

Yes, there are heartbeats

and smiling at cute boys

Then there are memories

that flash across

rather strongly

and tell you never to be the same.

But,

Healing happens

in its own time

and when it does

it surprises you with

the softest touch and a

long lasting giggle.

It is never too late to

have found blood

running in your veins,

yelling out to the world,

I have healed.

 

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single girl and the scrapyard!

I was supposed to meet a few friends for dinner last night and it was an impromptu plan. So I grabbed what I could find from my closet (which was a simple black tee and my denim) and decided to dress it up with this awesome set of bangles I got from this wonderful boutique tucked in a nice corner of a beautiful restaurant in Bangalore. (girls – highly recommend 100 ft boutique for trinkets and boys – highly recommend 100 ft boutique for trinkets 😛 ) Anyways, so then I rushed to the decided pub and did have a wonderful time with the guys.

So after a while of gossiping and sharing our “life is better in Bangalore”, “What the heck are u saying!! Delhi has opportunity” debates, I decided to show off my bangles. So there I was, using my left hand more prominently for everything I needed and of course like a drama queen, I had all the hand movements in place during conversations 🙂 Then comes the moment!

N to Me – “What are those things you’re wearing in your hand?”

Me to N – “What!! Oh! my bangles! Aren’t they awesome? I love this combination of gold and wood!”

N to Me – (In between the conversation, N was also just pretending to listen to my retorts. He was actually singing Coming back to Life and enjoying old monk) “aah!! too noisy, they make too much noise, these bangles of yours” (Please note: the loud music in the pub did not count :O )

Me to N – “Yeah Right! what about all the bloody noise Pink Floyd is making”

N to Me – “WHATTTT!! that is MUSIC and you, YOU just sound like a scrapyard walking around cos of those bangles”

M, who was quiet through this conversation, almost oblivious to us, burst into roaring laughter.

Actually, so did I 😀 and as for N, he just continued singing coming back to life 🙂

My daddy Strongest!!

When I think of my dad, there are innumerable memories i can recall. I can go on and on about stories of love, care, affection, humour, angst.  All of these emotions, rolled into my childhood like coconut rolled into fine chocolate, the bounty bar, by far the yummiest chocolate – coconut combination. 🙂
Yes, so I don’t really need Father’s day to let him know how much I love him or declare to the world how I can trade my softy (this pillow i sleep with every night for innumerable years now) to keep him. My dad has been more than just the provider to me and mum. He is by far the closest friend, buddy, my mom can have. They go together like house on fire, (yes sometimes, there are fights and the house is on fire, literally 🙂 ), warm toast and butter, car and petrol :P, and yes, i can go on and on. So he has been the buddy, the care-taker, the provider, the punching bag, the ‘man who drives his wife and daughter to the mall’, ‘man who grins when daughter starts eating chicken again’, ‘he who’s sunday afternoon’s feel like vacuum without beer and friends.’
A few things that make my dad the toughest competitor in the “best dad’s” category in the WORLD :

He used to travel a lot when I was younger, so when he would come back home, I would run and sit in his lap and he would hug me tight and rub his beard all over my face 🙂
He would feed  me dinner, even if I am half asleep, because he couldn’t imagine me going to bed hungry. (Yes, the repercussions are that I still carry my baby fat 😛 )
He would host the grandest parties for my birthdays. I don’t remember a single birthday until i became an angsty teen who wanted to party with her friends to feel grown up, that he wouldn’t have made my birthday special.
He has always been more friendly with my friends and I can vouch they have more fun with him.
He would never ever forget to bring me the brown toffees and mints they used to serve in Indian Airlines, from all his travels.
I used to go to day school. I had morning school only on Saturdays. I can never wake up early in the morning. It is my biggest challenge. He would never force me to attend school on saturdays 🙂
He brought me my very first of everything obviously. 🙂 BUT i remember my biggest crayon set he bought me from USA in 1988 and that just made me the most popular girl in class. 🙂 Yes, i know I am not being modest, but I was six years old then 😀
Then he took me to Japan when I was eleven years old and made me the most popular girl again in class 😀 oh! I can never forget how my classmates hovered around me the first afternoon I attended school post trip. 🙂
He never screamed, shouted or held deadlines for me.
When I reached an age, that I could share footwear and clothes with my mom, he started becoming extra possessive about my stuff. AND when I am not home or traveling he will always keep a tab on what my mom has borrowed from my wardrobe so he can complain to me 😛
On my trip to Japan, we left our doggie Bozo, back home. And I made phone calls (international phone calls), which was very very expensive back then, just to hear him bark because I missed him too much. And my dad would religiously dial the phone home every evening at eight o clock so I could hear Bozo and sleep well at night.
He bought me expensive Indian dinner every evening when we traveled abroad 🙂 WHAT!! I am INDIAN! food MATTERS OK 😀
He has always been super supportive. I will never forget the expression of love on his face the day I got married or the expression of how much his heart hurt when it didn’t work well.
My friend P calls me Veronica Lodge with Betty’s heart. I love that. I guess it comes from my father.
He is a big man, with the largest heart possible. He will never look down upon people who don’t have enough. He has never forgotten his humble beginnings.
He could have gone away for international holidays every year on Diwali, but he chose to go home to our hometown, Jodhpur to see his parents because he knew they would wait to see him. 🙂 He chose family always.
I will never forget that early morning when I was eight years old that he rolled a little white and pink puppy in my bed to wake me up. 🙂 I was really scared of dogs before that cos I had been bitten by one 😦 I guess he bought Bozo home to help me understand how wonderful animals are. I am glad. I work for an animal welfare organisation today 🙂
He did not question me once when I chose the man I wanted to marry. He did not question me once when I chose to end it
On how he agreed to let me be alone in Bangalore after my relationship ended even though he didn’t agree with it completely.

I will never have words or my actions will never be enough to thank him for what he is or how much everything he has done means to me. He could have chosen to not bring me the brown toffees from his travels because he had business worries on his mind, or chosen to tell me to work at my  marriage no matter what, because society will question why his daughter failed at the most important relationship in her life. But he chose otherwise. And all I can say is I love you Papa with all my heart and my soul!
I shifted to Bengaluru after my break up and I started writing again. And I had written to my loved ones about how much life is changing and how the upside of  love will always take over the downside 🙂 And my dad wrote me this beautiful  poem.
He sent it to me by email and he is not as tech friendly so he sent it to me in the english script. So please pardon any language mistakes because I have used the gmail hindi script to translate. Any complains, you may write to google mail admin directly 🙂
गुजरे हुए सालों का हिसाब जब खुद से माँगा तोह,
ज़िन्दगी बगेर एहसास कराये,
समुद्र के किनारे की रेत की तरह हाथों से खिसक गयी,
यह भी अछा हुआ की तुमने आगे बढ़ने का कोई रास्ता खुला ही नहीं छोड़ा
तुम्हे मैं रोज़ कमजोर और हम्ज़र्फ़ समझता था,
लेकिन तुममे बहुत हिम्मत थी I
इतने नकाब पेहेन कर सालों गुजार देना कोई आसान काम नहीं,
हर सवाल सिर्फ तेज हवाओं से टकराकर फिर लौट आते है
सवाल गलत थे या हवाएं तेज़ उससे अब क्या फरक पड़ता है
मैं इस सारे माहौल मैं भूल गयी थी की मैं तो यायावार हु
स्थैव्था की परिभाषा खोजते खोजते मैं क्यों भूल गयी

की शायद पहाड़ धरती, आसमान, सूरज और चंदा यही तोह स्थायी है

चलो यह भी बहुत अछा हुआ की मुझे ठेहेरना पड़ा
मैं तो यायावार हु
मुझे तो समुन्द्र के पार तापू मैं जाना है
हाँ इस बार मैं फूल नहीं उगौंगी
अब तोह नई परछाई नया चेहरा और नए लोग अच्छे भी लगने लगे है
इस तापू मैं कोई ईसामसीह नहीं रहता
यहाँ तोह लोगों के चेहरे बेनकाब है
यायावर को फिर यात्रा की तैयारी करनी है
यह भी अछा हुआ की मैं अब भी बेनकाब हु

Happy Father’s Day PA!!

Single girl and the shower eh!!

Me (With a very serious tone and grim face) to K (Who is owl eyed and has the expression “Oh man, the girl starts again!) – “You know what! I read this research that said that most girls who have broken up recently find other men to shower affection onto to get over their pain!”

K (sudden change in expression, and I could almost see the thought bubble over his big head) to Me – “Ok, But then, Why don’t these heartbroken girls just shower with other men instead!”

(K and Me – laughing out loud)

single mingle!!

Me to S on google talk – “Singledom is not really the bogeyman we are making it out to be ya!’

S to  Me – ‘Yeah, i know babes, i live the so called single life all the time!’

Me (shocked expression she can unfortunately not see on chat) – “But are you not seeing that guy for the last year and a half.”

S (with a rather matter of factly expression) to Me – “Eh, But thats the advantage of being in different cities. I get all the loving I need for a week, once a month. More than that honey, we would’nt be together.”

Me (with a lot of disgust and jealousy) to S – “Oh man! seriously!! you fu*k*** get the best of both worlds! God has some serious answering to do.” hrrrmmmfff!!

I am Red!

I would often ask R, my friend, where do people like me go when we die? I ‘m not ‘Miss goody two shoes’ to end in heaven for sure, and I’m not as bad to deserve hell. She would always tease me and say, babes people like us go to purgatory. Where we suffer and we are in anguish and we pay for all the karma. Wow, now that was a stark way of telling me where I really am headed.

Early mornings, when I am brushing my teeth, I look into the mirror and I often ask myself, ‘Is this what I wanted for myself in life at twenty-seven?’

There have been so many people who have influenced who I am today. They have made me believe I am this wonderful person when I really deep inside do know that I might have not been that good to them. But then they have taught me to be large hearted and most importantly, forgiving. I have apologized, and I have surrendered myself in my relationships like there is no tomorrow. I have opened my heart and made sure that those in there are warm and fuzzy. I have never wondered why we should have any bones in expressing our love for someone. I have been that way since I can remember. I grew up like a princess, and I have never had to endure anything as much as I have had to in my most important relationship in life. Now, don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t like hell in there. Sometimes you just realize that your battle is within you.

I have learnt that life is unpredictable, and the more we plan, the more games it will play. We need to stop planning, go with the groove and shake our booty while its singing its own song. If we want to really be happy in life, we have to start jamming with the music it offers us. With the music that runs on the radio station every day, every single day. Like for instance, there was this evening when I was cooking dinner and the radio station started playing these songs that N used to sing a lot. And my friend E told me to be unaffected by it. To sing it the way I like it. In the worst possible manner ever. So I chose not to let it affect me. They were playing wonderwall, I decided to sing it in the most obnoxious accent ever. So the line went “Cos after all, you are my wonderwall”. And I chose to sing it “ cojjjjj abbbterralll urrr my blunddderrballl” and realized it was so funny. It actually went from wonderwall to blunderball. and I instantly felt better. So I guess all we need when we have our hearts breaking is some funnies. And I called a friend and sang it to him over the phone and we laughed like crazy. We need to convert all the sad memories into funnies and we will all be just fine. Had I chosen to not sing it that way I would have cried myself to bed that night. It’s the choice we make.

I was talking to this friend this evening and he said, the best thing to happen to human beings is that we are blessed with the power to forget. And it is this power that will sail us through and when something nice comes along, we forget all the bad and the ugly. And I realized he was right. I think it gets wiped off, like rain water by windshields when we are driving.  You feel the memories, soft and cold, like raindrops on your lips in the first shower. And slowly, it too shall dry out. The sun will return and you will have a new beginning.

When I did decide to marry N, he was this person who made my heart melt, the moment I saw him. All I had to do was see his dimpled smile and I would mould my path the way he wanted. It was more like I could hear my heartbeat in my throat. It didn’t matter in the bigger picture then. It didn’t matter to me that I wanted to study law and he thought I was better with social development. It didn’t matter to me that I gave up a wonderful job because he chose to shift cities. It never did. All that mattered really was that I could sleep comfortably in his arms at night. I was reading a friends post the other day and she had written about how the path we choose that helps mould us into people we really are. I am not black or white. I am not even grey. I am shades of pink and red. She had written. I so totally agree with her.

I have had my days in my relationship with him, when I have believed every single thing that went wrong was my fault. And I would struggle, each day, in each way to make things better. It was more like a guessing game you know. You try things out, the trial and error way, maybe this will work this time.But, yes he also made life beautiful. We did have our own moments. He made me laugh a lot and tickled me in bed. I loved that feeling. I miss him a lot on some days. When I can actually just smell him around me, or see him do the mundane task of drawing the curtains.

It took me a while to realize that the issue we were facing, wasn’t really my fault. It took me more than just the fights to understand that being single should never really have been my fear. I am free, liberated and this feeling I have in my head. It is like a new high. Something that happens, when you drink your first glass of wine at seventeen. You get all warm and fuzzy in your throat and you know you have to be very careful. Because it is like being on the edge. I have friends and family telling me all the time, how wonderful it is going to be. How I have so many more opportunities and how my struggle really is over and greener pastures are round the corner. I have girlfriends calling me in the middle of the night to tell me how they think I should add someone they think perfect for me from their friends list on facebook and I have guy friends telling me what men want. A guy friend actually told me that I need to lower my cuteness factor and work on my hotness factor. 😀 I am trying. Yes, it’s a different feeling. Walking into a store, I don’t have to worry about what to get my significant other. It is just about me. My wholesome experience. And I know  how much it matters.

The biggest thing I learnt from this break up was that I have forgiven. And by that I mean, I have forgiven myself. I have been calm, and I have had the strength to endure what I thought would never ever happen to me. I have looked him in the eye and told him it doesn’t work. I have worded the break up with dignity when all he could do was look at me with rock eyes. I have forgiven him. And I expect nothing in return. I still have my moments of  “how could God have chosen me to go through this”, but then I just stay calm and tell myself “he had to go, for someone and something better to come along”. And I see signs that God loves me everyday. I have reached a relationship with my parents that is, anything but transient. They live in me, through me and I feel them everywhere, all the time, in my strength and my endurance, on cheerful mornings and warm nights. I don’t apologize anymore. There are things that have changed immensely in me, and saying sorry is one of them. I often wonder if life would have been different had I not chosen this way. Had I not married N.

– Would I have ever learnt that I have the ability to endure, say sorry, and forgive with expecting nothing in return?

– Would I have valued my friends, my family and more than anything myself any more if I hadn’t gone through this transition?

– Would I have had the faith in my own spiritual being, and my God, who is the greatest leveler on earth?

– Would I have recognized the angels God has sent me in different cities on earth, so I can sleep well at night?

– If I hadn’t broken up with N, maybe I would have been spiteful towards him all my life and myself for making a wrong decision. There is nothing lonelier than lying awake next to someone who is in deep sleep. All you can do is count the rhythm to their breathing and it just gets lonelier.

-If I didn’t choose to live in Bangalore, away from my mom and dad, immediately after I walked out of the relationship, maybe I wouldn’t have been able to forgive myself and him.

-Had I chosen to study law or go ahead and do my P.hd would I be the single young woman who failed at the most important relationship in her life?

-Had I not moved out, I would have never known how capable I am of being fiercely independent and how outspoken I am and how I can handle situations in life. And how each time, each thing, each molecule in the world, is really enriching my life.

I used to always tell my girlfriends, living alone will turn them into independent women, unable to find the right man. Because then after so many years of living alone, you end up looking at every man and every habit he holds a compromise. I was wrong. I really wish today I had lived alone before I got married to N. No, don’t get me wrong. I don’t regret marrying him. My father always says, the decision taken was correct given the circumstances at that point of time. It is just that time has changed the wind and things didn’t follow the way we would have wished them to be. I used to believe living alone, will make you rigid. You need to adjust to your relationships. That’s the beauty of it all. But, it’s changing. No, I’ m not turning into a selfish woman. I hope not. I am just looking forward to my own space. My own little space where I don’t have to answer questions or worry about other people’s dinner timings. Where I can be a convenient loner, if I may use the word. Where, when I choose I can see friends and when I don’t, I can read a book cuddled up in bed and listen to Sinatra.
Every evening in Bangalore, the city I am falling in love with, I go and take a walk. I choose to take the other side of the road. I alternate the roads. I take new roads. I hop and skip through puddles. I love it the rains, and taking a walk in the rain. I choose a new way so I can see new vegetable vendors, new stores, new buildings, new faces, young children cycling, maids giggling as they talk to drivers, home helps walking dogs. These walks make me realize how it is so easy to really walk the other side. It is just that we don’t know until we don’t make it to the other side. We will never know what the other side has in store for us until we don’t cross the road. Yes, it will be difficult to deal with in the beginning, and tough to learn and cope that the situation is new and it will have new repercussions and that it will be something we didn’t expect, but it will be worth it when you will realize how much your heart loves walking the other side.

It will be like soul-cleansing.

Single girl in the city!

Things I have done since I am single again –

1)     I bought myself an I pod Classic, mind you, 160 GB, something I have been wanting for ages now.

2)     I have 8000 songs on the I pod and I have developed new taste in music from hip hop to Sinatra. I never go to bed without my I pod.

3)     I have read. Unlimited articles, unlimited books.

4)     I have dressed up and gone to a lovely dinner, had wine and pasta.

5)     I have had lazy Sunday afternoons with beer and omlette, and roaring laughter.

6)     I have started writing again, yes the words are flowing.

7)     I have noticed hot single men at the gym 😀

8)     I have bought myself my own laptop, my own camera and that just makes it three awesome gadgets I own including the I pod, which are just mine, not to be shared with anyone.

9)     I have shopped and shopped in the name of retail therapy and they are just my own things.

10)I have spoken to friends after years and felt warm in my heart because they have all recognized me at hello.

11)I have been to coffee and dinner with a guy friend, had intellectual conversations and I have not felt guilty about it at all.

12)I wear perfume every single day. Yes, I know it’s silly.

13)I dress up every single time I go out of the house.

14)I am traveling.

15)I have gone out for girly escapades in malls and bought stuff I liked for a change.

16)I had tea and breakfast served to me in bed by my friends.

17)I don’t have to worry about what other people will eat for lunch and dinner, I am my own slave. Only mine.

18)I watch chick flicks almost everyday. I hadn’t seen chick flick movies in ages. And my latest favourite one is Sweet Home Alabama.

19)I am invited to parties for who I am, and because I can hold conversations, not for being someone’s wife.

20)I went to the cinema after ages and i totally loved the feeling of popcorn melt in my mouth and hearing people hooting at cheesy hindi movie dialogues.

21)I painted my toe nails red.

22)I have fallen in love again. with myself.

Hello World!

finally a blog!

it took me a lot of speculation, battles in my own mind to get here..

there is something about a first blog..i guess i’ve read a few and its more like an impression to be created..explanations to be given as to why you really are here and what do you have to say…my explanation about when i did get my first blog was “keeping a physical diary is too Anne Frank..had there been facilities then im sure she wouldnt have minded a blog either”…

As I shared my idea of creating a blog a lot of my friends gave way..few even mentioned “why put up your life for someone else to read”…but isnt that what we are here to do.. i mean imagine living life gaining experiences that enrich it and then not sharing them..whats the use huh! well it did take a lot more than that. Is that not what we do each day, give people a chance to auction our emotions.

It took a lot of my friends and family to coax me to post what I have written. I remember I started blogging with much enthusiasm when the fad had just only begun a few years ago. But I was then, either too lazy to blog or too possessive about my words to let them out in the world. But now I am ready. I have had a 360 degree change in my life and I would like to believe this is transient. This change and this transition will make me stronger. It will make me want to believe that change is nothing but ‘making space for the new’.

sometimes planning a future at twenty seven can be futile..confusing too. And then we end up fighting battles..professional and personal..and they only get badder and bigger with the battlefield getting vast and as if the remains are ingrained in my mind forever…

So here I am, ready with my spicy words to cook up the tastiest soul curry you can savour and it will be as indian as it can get!

Soulokplease!