Tag Archives: HOPE

Love lived here once…

Love lived here once,

and now there are charred remains

Yes, there are heartbeats

and smiling at cute boys

Then there are memories

that flash across

rather strongly

and tell you never to be the same.

But,

Healing happens

in its own time

and when it does

it surprises you with

the softest touch and a

long lasting giggle.

It is never too late to

have found blood

running in your veins,

yelling out to the world,

I have healed.

 

Value Yourself. Indulge in Yourself. Be Happy

So I read this somewhere and it pretty much made sense to me. “If you do not value yourself, then don’t expect anyone else to calculate it for you.” 

Over the last two and half years, I have come to realise that sometimes we end up forgetting who we are, what we want and where we would like to be in our life, especially when we are in a relationship. But the flip side of the exact thing is that when you have lived with someone you will learn innumerable things about life, reactions, emotions and most importantly co-existing.

My experiences have taught me several things. I have learnt not to overreact in situations when they are not in my control. I have learnt that there is this certain ‘right of the other person’ and a space in their life that you cannot invade no matter how hard you try. It will only leave you with bitter fights, arguments and lack of your own space in the entire deal. I also learnt how when you are two people together, you may still have your own life. Everything does not necessarily need to be ‘OURS’ or everything does not necessarily need to be done ‘TOGETHER’. You can find beauty is staying away certain evenings. I have learnt that you need to divide your time and your heart and invest in innumerable things that matter to you and other people you love. That does not necessarily mean that you love the other person any lesser or that you do not have any interest in them anymore.

But, the biggest lesson I ever learnt from my past was, “NEVER EVER FEEL LIKE YOU DESERVE LESS“. What I learnt was that ‘INDULGE in YOURSELF‘ and do not at any point feel ashamed about it. That is the biggest lesson we can learn from men. They are constantly indulging in themselves. They treat themselves like kings, they love what they do and they follow their passion. They do not shy away from making themselves a priority and they enjoy every bit of it. This leads them to be happier and in turn, they spread this happiness around. I rarely find male friends whining or cribbing about little issues. They love themselves and they are so damn right about it. They love others better because they are happy people.

It is important to love yourself. It cannot get clearer than this. People come and go. Some stay back for a lifetime. Some don’t. Better people come along and love you more than what you ever expected. But through it all, YOU are one person who will stay with YOU. You better love YOURSELF darling, because if you are not, then you are not going to be loved back and you are going to have a sad heart.

Hopefully, I am going to carry this lesson with me for a lifetime. Sometimes people around me might think I am selfish. Sometimes they may think I am disconnected. But really it is not about being selfish. We were not meant to be connected and unhappy. We are meant to connect to other loved ones and be happy. We make connections, get into relationships to be happy. And the more we are ourselves, the happier we will be.

Chicken marinated in basil and love!

She was choosing the chicken pieces from the chicken and basil tomato salad bowl quietly at a slow pace. Every little thing she served herself was then served in another plate, in either the same or more quantity. Her partner and she were occupying the smallest and the quietest corner table they could have found at the spacious buffet restaurant at Marriot. The place was bubbling with energy, people sharing conversations over food, children running around the dessert servings, waiters serving portions of mixed Indian breads.

 

As my friends and myself carried on with our conversations, gorging on food and desserts, laughing over silliness of random people, I would, catch a glimpse of her every now and then. It would surprise me that she would spend so much energy in serving two portions every single time from each laid table.  Her face had a calmness that is difficult to explain. She had small brown eyes and every single time she looked up, she would smile back instantly. It was like she was answering all my questions.  I was at that point just unable to read them. Her grey hair was witness to all these years of experiences she had gathered.

 

I was curious about her and her partner. Each time I tried looking in the direction of her table, I only saw the face of a man, smiling at her warmly. They were enjoying a nice, personal dinner on Saturday night. It warmed me that people their age, had decided to come in, have a nice dinner on a Saturday night rather than sit and watch television at home over a meal of porridge cooked by the wife. I did wonder several times as to why the man wouldn’t serve himself. And in between my conversations with my friends, and of course tons of activity around food, I did try and take a peek at him, but for some reason my vision of him was obstructed by the soup and salad bar.

 

We continued having dinner and stuffed ourselves with a million types of desserts and fruits and decided it was time to head home. My friends wanted to have a smoke outside and so we were standing in the smoking zone, observing people, a favourite activity Indians have inherited in their genes. We love observing people, we are also unfortunately pretty loud about our opinions of them in social settings. We gave in to our genes and continued talking about people, their cars, their behavior and such. Then as we waited for the car, we saw an auto-rickshaw in the hotel drive-through.

The auto-rickshaw had come  to pick up the brown-eyed lady and her husband. They had finished their evening meal and supposedly were now heading home. It took the old man a while before he could get into the rickshaw. Moving your entire body-weight from a wheel chair to an auto-rickshaw is going to be a tedious task. I found my answer. I was humbled by them. By their sheer will to survive, to come to a dinner on Saturday night and not choose the easy option of sitting at home because of his inability to move around comfortably.

 

Each of us, we fall in love easily. Unfortunately, we fall out of it even more easily. I asked myself a million times since I saw them there. What could have motivated them to go through that evening but sheer love and the want to enjoy an evening together. Just by themselves. She was committed to serve him every single thing and make sure he enjoyed his meal. He was committed to taking the pain of coming to a hotel, that is not handicap- friendly, unfortunately. (of course this topic deserves another note)

 

That is what I wish for each one of us. Pure dedication and commitment in our relationships. For me this was an enlightening experience to go through it all, to witness mere strangers change my life and realize that if the world were falling apart right now, each one of us should have someone looking out for them, no matter what.

The strength of being me!

What would you do if you look like a loser to the world although winning the war within yourself? Where would you go to find peace when everything about you is burning to ashes? I know of only one power that can calm this rage inside me. It is the strength of being me. What would you do if you feel like the world has disowned you as one of its own? And all you see around you are demons talking about paradise. Where would you go to understand the purpose your own existence and what shall become of you in this mortal haven? I know of only one power that has the solution to these inconsequential queries. It is the strength of being me.

What would you do if the one you loved the most forces you to walk away, far away, into the horizon? How far would you go to find the answer of this one question that eludes you and understanding that the only victory you claim will be of quenching your own soul? I know of only one power that can help me on this conquest. The power of being me. What would you do, if all you saw in the mirror was this soul trapped behind bars, and all you feel is your need to look for answers, while you flesh numbs?

Sometimes life throws at your incidents that make you believe that the blows don’t hurt anymore. And the wounds, not healed, are fine. I know of just one power that grants me the permission of living with no questions asked. Because it knows what it feels like to be defeated. It knows what it feels like to lose someone and to win someone back. It knows what the world stands for now, and what it used to stand for.

It also knows that both victory and defeat have wounded me in time beyond recognition but it always stays silent because it has fought my war in another time and the only way to move on is to experience this.

It is the strength of being me.

You know

You know its the longest day in the world when everything seems slow and words fail you. When you want to say things and you want to move on and you feel like you are stuck in a box.

You know its the longest day when you walk out of the house in the dark and realize there is never going to be a day when you walk back in.

You know its the longest day when you might have moved on because you realize you cannot even fantasize of the person anymore. When things from the past, are spoken about in wry humour. That they may sometimes pierce your heart because you wonder when you became so hard about a soft emotion like love. Or when did the feeling of love and genuine affection for someone turn into anger and sarcasm.

You know its the longest day when you wake up with a smile and you sleep with a smile, but you know you would have been more comfortable to find your own space in tears.

You know its the longest day when you take one step closer to the future and you are taking one step away from the past in the same breath and you have to deal with the mixed emotions together.

Have you ever felt like you are standing at the edge of a cliff? Like you may feel two extreme emotions and feel them with the same intensity. When you may want to roar with laughter and burst with tears together. The exact feeling when you are anxious and of course relieved in the same moment.

That moment precisely is when you know. That you are moving on. Fresh skin is replacing the soft scab on the wound. But its going to take time.

I am Jealous.

Of people who can make life look easy and happy all the time. They live in a permanent state of happy. And I am absolutely not talking about people who are achievers. Or beautiful. Or accomplished.These are ordinary people. And they smile and be happy about the simpler things in their lives. They may have a million issues to tackle in their lives or come with lives filled with emotional baggage. But they insist on smiling and being happy.  Smiles come easier to such people than frowns.

And they smile away. Gleefully. They laugh. Fill rooms with their roaring laughter. And they laugh often until they are in tears. I guess they value. The point that life is passing away beat by beat.

I am learning. To smile all the time. From my heart.