Love lived here once,
and now there are charred remains
Yes, there are heartbeats
and smiling at cute boys
Then there are memories
that flash across
and tell you never to be the same.
in its own time
and when it does
it surprises you with
the softest touch and a
long lasting giggle.
It is never too late to
have found blood
running in your veins,
yelling out to the world,
I have healed.
So I read this somewhere and it pretty much made sense to me. “If you do not value yourself, then don’t expect anyone else to calculate it for you.”
Over the last two and half years, I have come to realise that sometimes we end up forgetting who we are, what we want and where we would like to be in our life, especially when we are in a relationship. But the flip side of the exact thing is that when you have lived with someone you will learn innumerable things about life, reactions, emotions and most importantly co-existing.
My experiences have taught me several things. I have learnt not to overreact in situations when they are not in my control. I have learnt that there is this certain ‘right of the other person’ and a space in their life that you cannot invade no matter how hard you try. It will only leave you with bitter fights, arguments and lack of your own space in the entire deal. I also learnt how when you are two people together, you may still have your own life. Everything does not necessarily need to be ‘OURS’ or everything does not necessarily need to be done ‘TOGETHER’. You can find beauty is staying away certain evenings. I have learnt that you need to divide your time and your heart and invest in innumerable things that matter to you and other people you love. That does not necessarily mean that you love the other person any lesser or that you do not have any interest in them anymore.
But, the biggest lesson I ever learnt from my past was, “NEVER EVER FEEL LIKE YOU DESERVE LESS“. What I learnt was that ‘INDULGE in YOURSELF‘ and do not at any point feel ashamed about it. That is the biggest lesson we can learn from men. They are constantly indulging in themselves. They treat themselves like kings, they love what they do and they follow their passion. They do not shy away from making themselves a priority and they enjoy every bit of it. This leads them to be happier and in turn, they spread this happiness around. I rarely find male friends whining or cribbing about little issues. They love themselves and they are so damn right about it. They love others better because they are happy people.
It is important to love yourself. It cannot get clearer than this. People come and go. Some stay back for a lifetime. Some don’t. Better people come along and love you more than what you ever expected. But through it all, YOU are one person who will stay with YOU. You better love YOURSELF darling, because if you are not, then you are not going to be loved back and you are going to have a sad heart.
Hopefully, I am going to carry this lesson with me for a lifetime. Sometimes people around me might think I am selfish. Sometimes they may think I am disconnected. But really it is not about being selfish. We were not meant to be connected and unhappy. We are meant to connect to other loved ones and be happy. We make connections, get into relationships to be happy. And the more we are ourselves, the happier we will be.
So January just flew by, And I just thought I must create something to make February an inspiring month.So there you go…SHINE
What would you do if you look like a loser to the world although winning the war within yourself? Where would you go to find peace when everything about you is burning to ashes? I know of only one power that can calm this rage inside me. It is the strength of being me. What would you do if you feel like the world has disowned you as one of its own? And all you see around you are demons talking about paradise. Where would you go to understand the purpose your own existence and what shall become of you in this mortal haven? I know of only one power that has the solution to these inconsequential queries. It is the strength of being me.
What would you do if the one you loved the most forces you to walk away, far away, into the horizon? How far would you go to find the answer of this one question that eludes you and understanding that the only victory you claim will be of quenching your own soul? I know of only one power that can help me on this conquest. The power of being me. What would you do, if all you saw in the mirror was this soul trapped behind bars, and all you feel is your need to look for answers, while you flesh numbs?
Sometimes life throws at your incidents that make you believe that the blows don’t hurt anymore. And the wounds, not healed, are fine. I know of just one power that grants me the permission of living with no questions asked. Because it knows what it feels like to be defeated. It knows what it feels like to lose someone and to win someone back. It knows what the world stands for now, and what it used to stand for.
It also knows that both victory and defeat have wounded me in time beyond recognition but it always stays silent because it has fought my war in another time and the only way to move on is to experience this.
It is the strength of being me.
I am tired. Of being the gravy in everybody’s food plates.
I would like to for once, be the chunky pieces of meat or diced
To be relished. In that one moment of hunger.
For the taste to stay with that who consumes me.
is difficult to find.
I strive for it.
I am beginning to learn the art.
Its not impossible.
But Dude, its tough.
It fleets me and escapes through the
window when I am not
Balance is groovy and
I can find it.
In you I see myself. Clearly just as if I stand in front of the mirror. To hope that I am as beautiful as you are.
Thanks to the umbilical cord, I am of course a part of you. You are a part of me. Always within me. Even on days you are not around in person. In the last twenty eight years of partying, I have realised that life is all about transitions. Transitions that go from play group to nursery, horrific mathematics to table manners, from barbie dolls to Danielle Steel,from heart-break to healing, and from having a mother who loves you crazily to the best friend you cannot imagine yourself without.
I remember waking you up in the middle of the nights as a child, only to cry and tell you my legs hurt. And promptly you would wake up and talk to me about growing pains. All the nights you spent taking care of me made me realise how symbiotic life is.
The first time I was unreasonably punished in school, I expected you to fight with the authorities. “Life is not always just and people are not always fair”, is all you had to say. You expected me to understand that and now I think I do. I remember coming to you before History exams, howling that I dont recall any answers. You would look and me, simply smile and say, “Nevermind, write what you remember and come back home. We can then go out for lunch”. You fought with the school authorities to take me for a holiday when they rejected my leave during school year. You threw emphasis on the fact that exposure and traveling with teach me more lessons than just sitting in class.
Instances when I did not succeed were simply okay with you. You still made me feel I had a reason to be proud of myself. And you said success was nothing but failure turned inside out and it will only make me stronger. You wiped my tears, always, and taught me the best survival strategies. Restrictions and impositions never found a way, and of course my life is simpler because of your life experiences.
It is the most beautiful experience on earth and I want you to know how grateful I am. To grow up in your shadow and to understand that no matter how many hurdles I have to fight through, life will be smoother with you on my side.
Of people who can make life look easy and happy all the time. They live in a permanent state of happy. And I am absolutely not talking about people who are achievers. Or beautiful. Or accomplished.These are ordinary people. And they smile and be happy about the simpler things in their lives. They may have a million issues to tackle in their lives or come with lives filled with emotional baggage. But they insist on smiling and being happy. Smiles come easier to such people than frowns.
And they smile away. Gleefully. They laugh. Fill rooms with their roaring laughter. And they laugh often until they are in tears. I guess they value. The point that life is passing away beat by beat.
I am learning. To smile all the time. From my heart.